Monday, March 12, 2007

Favorite Things

I went by Starbucks this morning, and the manager was saying how her whole weekend was so exciting because her little baby learned how to turn over.

My first thought was, dang, I had a blast sitting on the couch watching tv at one in the morning, eating cookies and drinking beer.

I think she and I are at different points in our lives.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Friday!

Observation: Men with little heads do not need to drive big trucks. It makes them look littler.

And the trees are blooming!

What a Friday

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Never, Ever, No Way

Walmart = Melissa will never, ever, no way have kids.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

I found this online and thought that it was very interesting and wanted to share.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Humor from RD...

By TSgt. John M. Milano

Upon completing Air Force technical school, I had to drive from the Gulf Coast to the Pacific Northwest for my next assignment. A friend suggested I hang my blue dress uniform in the left-rear window to generate good will from the highway patrol. When I was pulled over by a Wyoming state trooper, I was sure that I was off the hook because he told me that he, too, had been in the Air Force.

But he handed me a ticket anyway. It read: "Right-rear taillight burned out/License plate not properly illuminated" and, in the remarks section, "Lint on sleeve/Name tag uneven/Collar brass tarnished." He had once been a drill instructor.


And a side quote from Drew Barrymore...
ytolllllllllhgn
"I'd rather be a few pounds heavier and enjoy life than be worried all the time."

P.S. That first part wasn't Drew. Maggie just felt like she had something important to say. How rude, interrupting like that. I need to teach her that if she has something to say, she needs to wait her turn before walking over the keyboard.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Pick Me!

And the latest thing I've happened upon...it's the new rage.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

La La Grr

Dear Mr. Songbird who sang outside my window at 5:30 this morning,

You do have a beautiful and cheerful voice, but could we at least wait until the sun is up to be so dang chipper?

Now I'm all about gun control, but the guy across the alley is not. So please be careful. Oh, and please tell your friend the dog that if he keeps barking at 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 am, we're going to have a serious issue on our hands.

Sincerely,

Your very-sleepy-and-not-so-much-the-morning-person-she-used-to-be neighbor

P.S. Do you take requests?

Monday, February 19, 2007

???

Britney shaved her head.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Radio Interview

Kim Mathers flipped the tables on Eminem and cleaned out her closet live on the air for all to hear.

"I can't stand him. He's an absolutely horrible person, and he gets worse every day," Mathers said. "I vomit in my mouth whenever I'm around him or I hear his name. There's nothing left in me for him. Nothing at all."

Oh, the drama.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Sick

I think I just threw up a little bit in the back of my mouth...

In a study commissioned by the Clorox Co., they found that the average office desktop has 400 times more bacteria than the average office toilet seat.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Wow, has it really been four days?

I plead insanity...

Saturday, February 10, 2007

I've Been Preoccupied

Why?

Because IT'S MAGGIE DAY!!!

Woo hoo!!!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Real Celebrity Names

Kirstie Alley's real name is Gladys Leeman

Lauren Bacall's real name is Betty Joan Perske

Kim Cattrall's real name is Clare Woodgate

I tell you what, you dont' even want to know my real name.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Advice Needed

We've had a problem at work lately with customers not flushing the toilet. And it drives me batties. So I decided I would take artistic control put up a little reminder sign (mwwaahh haa haa!)

So here are a few little diddies I (and sister) have come up with. I need your help to either vote for your favorite, or, if you have any suggestions, to pass them along...

Here we go:

Flush the toilet when you’re done
Or we’ll shoot you with a gun
~
Even when you’re in a rush
Please do not forget to flush
~
If you do not flush the pisser
Then I’ll punch you in the kisser
~
We’ll make sure you cease to be
If you do not flush your pee
~
Be polite and flush the john
‘Cause when you don’t it’s just plain wrong
~
Don’t forget to flush the john
Or we’ll take away your bong
~
Flush the toilet, we propose
So you won’t offend our nose

Friday, February 02, 2007

Air Freshener, Anyone?

We had a big party last night at work, and I was the designated "Pick up the 10 dozen garlic breadsticks from Fazolis, which just happens to be one of my favorite breadstick places ever" girl.

I tell you what, the drive from there to work was torture, they smelled so good. But now I think my car will smell good this morning, this evening, tomorrow, Sunday...

Sometimes there can be too much of a good thing.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Calmness in Our Lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Friday, January 26, 2007

Awful

How's this for a country song line I heard last night:

"Don't make me let you go..."

Talk about a passive-aggressive song!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Funny

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary

Correction

I need to make a very important correction to an earlier post.

The secone marine cooked the bean, and the third marine ate the bean.

I tell you what, that migraine stuff's a doozy.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Burp

So I asked the husband the other night to pick up a box of cereal on his way home. He didn't just come home with some measly box of corn flakes. No, he brought home 25 oz. of Froot Loops.

Average box of cereal: 12-15 oz.

The box was bigger than my torso. I'm gonna be eating Froot Loops for a long time.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Is it Monday already?

I steered clear of technology this weekend, or, more specifically, the computer. So it's gonna be a cold one today! I don't think I'm ready to go outside.

It might be a few days before I am.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

I Have No Idea

Migraine.

Medicine.

Bed.

But a little jingle before I konk out...my mom taught it to me when I was just a wee thing...

The first marine found the bean,
Parle vous
The second marine found the bean,
Parle vous
The third marine, he at the bean,
and he blew a hole in the submarine.
Inky-dinky parle vous.

Yes, it's been a long night.

On the news this morning...

"The U.S. market for gas is still the most competitive in the country."

Am I crazy, or does this statement not really make sense?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Big Breath!

I heard "Somewhere Out There" from American Tail tonight, by Linda Ronstadt, on the way home tonight. And boy, did I hold that last note! "...where dreams come truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue!"

1973 vs. 2006

A little extreme, but sadly becoming more true every day...

1973 versus 2006 (sent by Steve Hill)

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973 : Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006 : Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.
2006 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

I am in l-o-v-e with my Nick & Nora pajamas. I mean, like, so in love that I'd sleep with them (hee hee)

Friday, January 12, 2007

Yeah!

Happy Friday!

Happy I-don't-have-to-work-tomorrow-for-the-first-Saturday-in-a-long-time-and-get-to-sleep-in Day!

Woo Hoo!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Can anyone guess what I got for Christmas?

I'll give you a hint...
















I'd like you to meet Maggie. Her full name is Blossom Magnolia Butterbean Sage, from Blossom Ragdolls. She can't come home until February, but we are anxiously waiting!

Monday, January 08, 2007

Oh Yeah, Uh Huh, That's Right

I'm so excited. I mean, chubby-hubby-with-fudge-sauce-and-whipped-cream-with-a-cherry-on-top kind of excited. You'll never guess in a million jillion katrillion years what I get to do tomorrow night. I'm...going to learn how to make glass beads. Like with the blow torch and everything (and yes, I said "like." I'm just happy, ok??)

I hope I make it out with both eyebrows intact...maybe I'll take some pictures, too!

Late Night, Early Morning

I remember back when I was in, what, 4th grade? One of the cool things to say (all thug-ishly, since I was so thug-ish) was, "Peace, in the Middle East." I had no clue what that meant back then.

Funny how things change.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Fact

Bronchitis S-T-I-N-K-S

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

A Few Things

I wore socks with my Birkenstocks tonight.

Oh, look, I also hugged a tree. And I didn't shave my armpits.


P.S.

To whom it may concern,

Please turn off your Christmas lights. Christmas is SO over.

Sincerely,

Me

Monday, January 01, 2007

Unlucky #, Dude

I'm not looking forward to the new year, simply because of what I'm about to say...

I don't like 7. To be more specific, I don't like to write the number seven. I'm no good at it. I love to write 6. I've got no problem with 6. But 7...I tell you what. I'm going to have to study different fonts, find a way for the two of us to get along, or else we're going to have some problems over the next 364 days.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Fairy Tale?

My sister was reading a storybook to my neice this morning, "Princess Dreams." It highlights all the Disney princesses "fairy tales." Here is a bit I overheard...


It seemed that Princess Jasmine had everything - pretty clothes and lots of glittering jewels, but she knew there was something more in store for her. One night, a prince climbed over her balcony and took her on a magic carpet ride. She knew then what she was missing.

"I'm traveling to places I've only dreamed about," said Jasmine. "The prince has shown me a whole new world."


Umm...I have no words.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Ouch

My toothpaste tube broke the other day. And not just the tube. It was the cap. So it hurts to open - I don't like sharp edges.

See:









How does that happen?


Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Wa-hoo

Oops. I guess I missed Christmas. Sorry.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Addiction

I'm addicted to peanut butter M & M's. I can't stop. I crave them. Maybe it's like McDonalds - the more I eat, the more I feel I need them. Maybe I need an intervention. Or another bag.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Funny Review and IQ

On Raul Malo's newest album, You're Only Lonely:

“A beautiful record, through and through. If you don’t like it, you’re a bad person.” -- MSNBC


Here's something fun:

http://www.flashbyn ight.com/ test/

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

What are the odds?

This morning, in my bowl of Fruit Loops, I only had one purple loop.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

How Many?

I started my Christmas shopping last night! Am I on the ball or what?

Let's see, today's the 19th...Christmas is on the 25th...19 from 25 is 6...I work 4 of the next 6 days...4 from 6 is 2...but we can't count on stores being open on Christmas eve...that leaves 1. One day.

I'm in trouble.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Oh, The Weather Outside is Frightful (almost)

Tomorrow it's supposed to be icy, with possible school delays.

Now that's more like it.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

It Won't Go Away

Two words:
1. head
2. ache

Two more words:
1. my
2. grain

Put them all together and what do you get? Well, I'd tell you, but it might not be polite in all present blogger company. Ouch.

(And to all those "literal" people out there, yes, I know that's not how you spell "migraine." I was being "funny." Ha ha, not the other way.)

Friday, December 15, 2006

Come On!

Umm, did I just see that it's supposed to be 76 degrees tomorrow? Seriously, dude. They don't call it "winter" just for kicks.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I love...

Chocolate chip cookies, cool pens, a sleep-in day (not today), hot chocolate & apple cider, painting, Olive Garden's Alfredo dipping sauce, a purry kitty, unexpected gifts for no reason, family, Christmas eve, sudoku (but only the easy ones), funky jewelery, vacations, greeting cards, an ice cold beer/good glass of cabernet depending on my mood, fried zucchini (especially with the beer), heaters, mittens, a fantastic bargain, my husband, a cozy bed (where currently husband is snoozing), high thread-count sheets, a good movie, a good book (especially good trilogies), Christmas lights, a good rib-eye, rhubarb pie, and hugs.

That's it. I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...(not really)

Monday, December 11, 2006

Stuff

Holy canoli! I have hit 5000, and missed it! I can't believe it. I've have waited for this day for so long, only to have it pass by without so much as an acknowledgement.
It's ok, What A Day. I still love you.


In other news...

Elizabeth "Lizzie" Bolden, recognized as the world's oldest person, died Monday in a nursing home, the home's administrator said. She was 116.

Bolden was born Aug. 15, 1890, according to the Gerontology Research Group, a Los Angeles organization that tracks the ages of the world's oldest people.

Guinness World Records recognized Bolden as the oldest person in the world in August after the death of Maria Esther de Capovilla of Ecuador, who also was 116.

Bolden died at the Mid-South Health and Rehabilitation Center, a nursing home where she had been living for several years, said the center's administrator, Charlotte Pierce. Bolden suffered a stroke in and her family said she spoke little after that and slept much of the time.

Family members said this year that Bolden had 40 grandchildren, 75 great-grandchildren, 150 great-great-grandchildren, 220 great-great- great grandchildren and 75 great-great-great-great grandchildren.

What a legacy, huh? Kind of hard to even imagine one child at this point!

Survival

I survived two different Wal-Marts and the mall yesterday. Barely.

I tell you what, though, it was a close one.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

I Can't Think of a Title

I asked my skeleton pirate magic eight eyeball if I would make it through work today.

He said "the seas are looking rough. "

Crap. (Or dang, for those who don't like the word crap.)

Friday, December 08, 2006

Odd Thoughts for a Friday Morning

I am thankful for electricity.

I've also decided that ever since I switched to Beta, I've come down with a bad case of Blogger's Block. (How's that for alliteration?)

Odd Thoughts for a Friday Morning

I am thankful for electricity.

I've also decided that ever since I switched to Beta, I've come down with a case of Blogger's Block. Coincidence???

Thursday, December 07, 2006

woo hoo

*enthusiasm* *enthusiasm* *enthusiasm*

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Long Time Gone

No, I ain't hoed a row since I don't know when... or at least haven't blogged in a few days...my apologies. On vacation, back to reality (mom, do I hafta?)

More enthusiasm later...

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Deal

I just got a $240.00 suit for $27.99.

Rock on.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Friday, December 01, 2006

IQ and Attention Span

So I tuned in to AccuRadio at work today to listen to Christmas music, and decided on the "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" station. And it sure did take me about 5 songs in before I realized it was a literal title.

The only song they play is "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas."

I'm a smart little cookie.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Will I Make It To OK?

Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
(yep)
But the fire is so delightful
(would be if we had a fireplace)
And since we've no place to go,
(but I do, dangit!)
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
(crap)
And I've brought some corn for popping,
(I'm not hungry)
The lights are turned way down low,
(it's 6:30 in the morning, what do you expect?)
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!


Sigh...

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Socks

"I love socks during the holidays," she says. "Thick, cute socks with little fun things on them like cherries or skulls."

~Carmen Electra




(It's actually quite surprizing how many pictures came up on Google when I entered "skull socks." I've never even seen skull socks before today...)

Monday, November 27, 2006

Monday.

Yesterday I went to the mall. I survived. Barely.

70 degrees today. 36 degrees Thursday. Cool.

I'm feeling dry and un-explaination point-y today. Hey, it's Monday.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Ho-Hum

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work I go...again (at least it's fun, right?)

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Ta Da

I've had this song in my head for weeks and weeks, every time I think about what to blog. So I thought I'd share (that's what Thanksgiving is all about, right?)

On top of Old Smoky
all covered with cheese
I lost my poor meatball
when somebody sneezed.

It rolled off the table
and onto the floor
and then my poor meatball
rolled out of the door.

It rolled in the garden
and under a bush
and three weeks later
it was nuthin' but mush.


Happy Thanksgiving, turkeys!

(Ok, I was using that as a cute term of endearment for my friends, but when I consider it, this probably isn't a happy day for turkeys...sad little guys...I'll only eat a few bites of you, don't worry.)

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Weather and Where Home Is

I heard the words "eighty degrees" and "Thanksgiving" in the same sentence today.





*silence*





I'm thinking of a song. Starts with, "Guess he'd rather be in..."






And that's where I want to be.

Monday, November 20, 2006

HAPPY THANKSGIVING WEEK!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

A Few Clarifications

I thought I would clear a few things up from my post yesterday.

First, not all UGGs are bad. There are some really great shoes out there that pick up the bad rap from the wayward cousin, the boots.

Second, if you wear the boots under your jeans, that is just fine and dandy. It's the whole package, the 3 feet of bare leg, that kill me.

Just so I don't alienize all of my readers...

Ciao

Friday, November 17, 2006

Geez Louise

The UGG boots are killing me.

I saw a girl the other day (in 50 degree weather) wearing pink UGG boots, a matching pink shirt and daisy duke denim shorts.

And then there is always the 2 or 3 girls a day who, try as they may, can't quite pull off the tucking of the jeans. Part of the hem is bunched up in the back, sticking out uncomfortably...

Seriously, people. (And CZ, this is for you...) Do we see Kate Moss wearing UGG boots? Certainly not.

Unless you live in Alaska and have to walk uphill 2 miles both ways to get wherever you go every day (although if this were the truth, it would probably actually ruin those oh-so-fahsionables), leave them at home (or I can think of something better to do with them if you need advice.) Just use them as slippers.

And if you wear UGG boots as part of your wardrobe...I'm sorry. In more ways than one.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Dating

I saw the Presidente again last night. It's been way too long. I think he and I need to set a weekly date, along with his friend, Mr. Molten. They're the best friends a girl could ask for!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

....

I miss my family (hi family.)

Monday, November 13, 2006

Well Said

"I should have been their [Ally McBeal's] target viewer, but I loathed the pathetic heroine who always looked like she needed a bacon sandwich followed by a good slap."

-Claudia Connell, writer

Last Night

Last night, I got the very last pint of Chubby Hubby ice cream that Lubbock had to offer. At least, the very last of the only place I know of in town that carries it. Man, I was totally lucky.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Observation

How come on all those crime scene shows, when they test stuff (that's my technical term) in the lab and put a smidge of something in the little vial, add a few drops of clear liquid, and then put it in the round spinny thing, which then automatically spits out a paper telling the lab dude what the mysterious "stuff" is...

(and yes, the above is actually one of the longest fragmented sentences ever)

well, how come, in the spinny thing, every single other spot is filled with other vials? You'd think if they were only testing one thing, they would just put one vial in there so they wouldn't get it mixed up. I mean, how terrible would it be if they were testing for chlorium dioxide (?), accidentally picked up the wrong vial, and it said it was, I don't know, cotton candy?

Boy, that would really throw the investigation for a loop, don't you think?

Friday, November 10, 2006

A RIDE IN AN F-14D TOMCAT

(sent by Dale Alvarez)

Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have .. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...
Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death! Whatever you do .. Do Not Go!!! I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast. Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. "Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down." The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot ... but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down. I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
"Two Bags."

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Huh?

I saw a car the other day with a bumper sticker that said:

Texas A & M
The Association of Former Students

I don't get it. Is that another name for "Alumni Association?" Or could it be the name for "Students Who Attended But Never Really Got A Degree?"

Who knows...but that's weird, man.

Something else that's weird? 86 degrees. Today. In November. Where's ther snow? Marco...

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

It just comes naturally :)

"If we weren't us, I would totally want to hang out with us."

~my friend JLA

Monday, November 06, 2006

Oh, What Fun!

So I’ve decided to have a negative outlook on life, but only for a few moments.
A list of my pet peeves…just for you. With love.

1. Public sighing (especially when they’re by themselves and let out this huge sigh. That’s just weird.)

2. Dragging your feet (flip-floppers are the worst. Pick up your dang feet when you walk, people.)

3. Girls who talk on cell phones in uncomfortable places, specifically dressing rooms and bathrooms (first of all, dressing rooms are always quiet and echo-y, so you can hear everything. I personally don’t want to hear how “clothing piece A” doesn’t fit because “body part B” is too fat/skinny/fluffy, etc. Second, bathrooms. That should speak for itself. I used to be embarrassed flushing the toilet while they’re chatting away, but now I take pleasure in the loud plumbing. If they choose to talk in a public bathroom, they can do the explaining.) (And yes, just girls, since I don’t make a habit of spending extended periods of time in men’s dressing rooms and/or bathrooms.)

4. Repetitive tapping (this includes, among others, pen clicking, foot tapping, and key jingling.)

5. People who walk too close behind me (this is my personal space, and that’s yours. I’ve taken to, with clear purpose, stepping aside and standing there until they pass. Back off, yo.)


6. As everyone knows, I’m a huge fan of reality TV (specifically the Bachelor/Bachelorette.) As much fun as these shows are to watch, there is one awful disgusting noise that I just can’t listen to. The kissing (they kiss? On reality TV?!?) I mean, I love the la-di-da as much as the next person, but I sure don’t like to hear the sucking/slobbering/smacking/smooching sounds that come through my speakers. The mute button has become quite handy in situations like these.

7. Necklace clasps that have fallen to the front. Just turn it around. It’s not that hard.

8. Who watches Wheel of Fortune? I really enjoy that show (and I could win, I know it!) But what gets to me is that one overly zealous person who has to holler out each letter/ puzzle solver/introduction, as if we won’t hear them (“I want to, like, say hi to, like, my best friend ever. Hi Wendi!” Like, shut up.) There is a reason they wear mikes.

9. While we’re on the subject of W of F…when it’s obvious the player knows the answer to the puzzle, why in the friggin’ sam hill do they buy a vowel? That’s $250 down the toilet (I wonder if the girl on the phone in the next stall heard it.)

10. White cars. I would never choose to drive a white car (especially a Crown Victoria,) because you will always have to go the speed limit. When people see you coming, what do they do? They slow down, that’s what. So you’d better be a law-abidin’ citizen if you drive one of these. You won’t have a choice.

I'm Sorry!

Okay, seriously. I have about three really really good posts to do, but because I choose to stay up intil 1:00 am watching CSI, and because I decided to read my book for half an hour afterwards, I woke up late and don't have time. Dang it.

But don't worry, I will not let you down. I'll have a good one up tonight. Oh, yes.

Friday, November 03, 2006

I have no clue

*knows I should blog*

*sits and stares at the computer screen for five minutes before realizing that I almost fell asleep*

*says bye*

*for now*

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Bought old house

Bought old house that previous owners updated
Bought old house that previous owners updated but had no clue what they were doing
Bought old house that previous owners updated but had no clue what they were doing and forgot to insulate the master bathroom, which has an outside wall

All this put together = Butt a** cold temps in there when it's 32 degrees outside

I know, I know, I said a "bad" word, but that's what it is:
B-U-T-T-A-*-* C-O-L-D

S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y

Monday, October 30, 2006

Soaps

Coming up next on What a Day...the ultimate dilemma.

Chubby Hubby or pumpkin cheesecake. Which one will she choose?

(Umm, let's see. We don't even have to wait for that answer. I went for both.)


And a quote from RD:
"I have CDO. It's like obsessive-compulsive disorder, only it's in alphabetical order as it should be."

Heart traeH

DEAR ABBY: Can you please resolve a problem for me? I want to know the proper etiquette for wearing a heart-shaped diamond ring. Do you wear it
with the point facing you or facing the tip of your finger? -- "Judy" in WV

DEAR "JUDY": According to Michael Botsko, director of the Tiffany jewelry store in LA's Century City, the stone should be worn with the point facing outward -- so that when you extend your hand, people won't mistake it for one that's round or oval. --ABBY

Dear "Judy": The answer, according to me, is that if you didn't wear a heart-shaped diamond in the first place, you wouldn't have this problem. --Me

Degrees

Mr. Weather says it's going to be 80 degrees today. I'd complain that it's October, and that it should be freezing already, but I don't know. One more relaxing warm afternoon before the temperature drops for good might just be a nice thing.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

It's About Time

It's finally here. I've been waiting years for this...

It's finally come to west Texas. Chubby Hubby, ladies and gentlemen. Ben & Jerry's creme de la creme, #1, top of the line, my absolute favorite heavenly ice cream.

Fudge-covered peanut butter filled pretzels in a vanilla malt, peanut butter and chocolate swirled ice cream.

There are just not enough words to explain my joy...

Friday, October 27, 2006

Sleeeeeepy

It seems like the earlier I intend to go to bed, the later I actually get there. Maybe I should do the opposite. Tomorrow night I'm shooting for 3 am.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

6:54

So "some" people might say I'm a little obsessive-compulsive and, well, crazy about certain things. I personally have no idea what they're talking about. But I wanted to tell you about a little number called 6:54, and my positive attitude.

For as long as I can remember (or from age 12 or so,) the time I see most often on the clock is, you guessed it, 6:54. No clue why; it's just always stuck out. And every time I saw it, I cringed (fellow ocd-ers, you know how some things just feel right or wrong, right?) It must be a "creepy" number, a bad-day number, I thought. AM or PM, didn't matter. And this is an almost daily thing (so you can guess how many Melissa-ocd-induced bad days I had during my impressionable teenage years.)

Well, about 6 years ago, I decided to take 6:54 by the horns. I turned that frown upside down and thought, maybe it's a good number. Maybe every time I see it, we could be friends instead of bad-day enemies. *sunshine and sparkle*

So ever since, every time I see dear 6:54, I smile that secret smile, and think of everything we've been through. Whatta pal.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

# 1 On My List

One of the best books ever - this book was made for ME! It not only has adorable artistic kitty pictures (with names and stories about each pic), but kick-a quotes throughout the whole thing!

Top of the list, people.















Smitten: A Kitten's Guide to Happiness, by Rachael Hale

Thank you, dear James, for knowing me so well (and loving me just the same :)

Monday, October 23, 2006

Funny from RD

Sitting in a hospital waiting room, I watched a woman helping her son finish a crossword puzzle.
"Mom," he asked, "what fits here?"
"It's man's best friend," she hinted.
The boy thought for a second then guessed, "Duct tape?"

Scientists now say that people should not use their cell phones outdoors during thunderstorms because of the risk of being struck by lightening. You should also avoid using them in movie theaters becasue of the risk of being strangled.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Perfect

What a beautiful day outside! The sun's a-shinin', the breeze is a-breezin', the birds are a-chirpin', the temperature is a-...well, it's good.

I hope everyone out there has a really really good day.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Coo-gag-kies

I have been nibbling on one of the heavenly (quadruple-dark-chocolate-chunk-milk-chocolate-chunk-chocolate-chip-with-hershey-kisses-on-top) cookies all afternoon, and have saved the very best for last (I ate around all the hershey kisses - they're my favorite!)

But my tummy hurts.

Don't you hate it when that happens? You save the best bite for last, and then get full before you finish.

What a stinker.

Oh, and I had a breakthrough tonight - I learned how to write cute. And not just cute cute, but, like, cheerleading cute. It was a hurdle, but I jumped over it (and it only took me 20-some-odd years.)

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Only in America...

...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Ciao!

New true Italian friend = homemade gnocci and homemade tirimisu

Ooo, boy-o, were they ever good!

May I have some more, please?

Monday, October 16, 2006

Ho Hum

Last night I watched Law & Order SVU from 11-12 midnight. Then I proceeded to watch CSI from 12-1:00 am. And I had seen it before. At least once. What was I thinking? The perp would be someone different? That the grotesquely bloated dude who had been in the bathtub for four days would jump up and live this time?

All this to say that I'm tired. And I sometimes make bad decisions (especially about late night crime shows...)

By the way, I had fun this weekend! It was good to see everyone, and to spend quality "family" time together.
Love,
The Phase 10 Queen

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Milestone

4000 - hot damn!!!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

My letter to Annabelle

Thank you, sweet Annabelle, for so many things…

Thank you for being so snuggly, and for your rumbling purr
Thank you for letting me hold you on your back to cuddle
Thank you for running to the door whenever you heard my car pull up, waiting for me to come in. It always made me smile to see your little orange face peeking out. Also, when the door was closed, for being right there, purring against my legs as if you hadn’t seen me for days, instead of just a few hours before
Thank you for meowing and meowing (and meowing) for food before bedtime, even though you had a bit left in your bowl. You only wanted to have a little more, just in case you ran out during the night
Thank you for sitting on the desk next to me whenever I was on the computer, batting around whatever happened to be in your "spot"
Thank you for squinting your eyes at me, which meant you were happy and content
Thank you for scratching and clawing at the carpet outside our bedroom door at 4:30 in the morning. It drove me crazy, but you were just lonely and wanted to say hi
Thank you for loving the Husband so much he decided that you could be a full-time "indoor cat"
Thank you for bouncing around whenever I came around the corner, and literally climbing the walls…just because. It made me laugh every time
And thank you for sitting on my lap the whole time on the way to the vet yesterday. I know it’s because you didn’t feel good, but I didn’t know I wouldn’t bring you back home with me, so it meant a lot

Thank you, Annabelle, for being just an all-around good kitty, and part of our family.

We’ll miss you…

It's an ADVERB

George Strait's new song drives me absolutely crazy...

"It Just Comes Natural"

-ly

Enough said.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Lost favorite CD 6 months ago.
Hoped for 6 months that I would find it.
Resigned last week that it had gone forever to CD heaven.
Ordered new one.
Received yesterday.
Will put on computer today so this tragedy will never happen again.
Everything's better now.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The Update

Ooooooowwwwwwww! (but totally worth it)

Monday, October 09, 2006

And It's Raining

Oh, Monday...

Yuck.

Oh, four day week with family at the end...

Not yuck.

(Thank you for coming, M & C. You brightened my month - and my bathroom walls :)

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Funny

"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert."

-Demetri Martin

DEAD

"NEVER upstage a man. Don't top his joke, even if you have to bite your tongue to keep from doing it."

"Never launch loudly into your own opinions on a subject - whether it's petunias or politics. Instead draw out his ideas to which you can gracefully add your footnotes from time to time."

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Don't Talk To Me, I'm Too Upset

Something terrible has happened. Horrible. I can't even think about anything else, let alone write about it. I...I missed the Bachelor Season Premier. I can never get that back.

*Sob*

Monday, October 02, 2006

Zippy Goes to the Health Food Store

"When you encounter stumbling blocks and temptations, remind yourself why you want to be slender - to attract and please the man in your life."

"Invade the health food store. They have marvelous nutritious goodies to tickle your palate." (Yeah, that sea kelp really hits the spot, I tell you what.)

"Search for some new hobbies and fresh interests to take you mind off food. Spend extra time on your hair, your makeup and your grooming." (My hair doesn't taste as good as pizza.)

Today is National Name Your Car Day! Watch out, Zippy - here I come!

Tomorrow is National Virus Appreciation Day. What the heck? What am I supposed to say? "Thank you, Mr. Flu, for making me feel so wretched and awful that I lost 8 pounds in four days?" As much fun as that was...

In other news, I learned all my favorite curse words in Italian tonight - how awesome is that! (But I will only use them to yell when I'm driving by myself, don't worry. I never cuss other than in the car.)