Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Calmness in Our Lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Friday, January 26, 2007


How's this for a country song line I heard last night:

"Don't make me let you go..."

Talk about a passive-aggressive song!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary


I need to make a very important correction to an earlier post.

The secone marine cooked the bean, and the third marine ate the bean.

I tell you what, that migraine stuff's a doozy.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007


So I asked the husband the other night to pick up a box of cereal on his way home. He didn't just come home with some measly box of corn flakes. No, he brought home 25 oz. of Froot Loops.

Average box of cereal: 12-15 oz.

The box was bigger than my torso. I'm gonna be eating Froot Loops for a long time.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Is it Monday already?

I steered clear of technology this weekend, or, more specifically, the computer. So it's gonna be a cold one today! I don't think I'm ready to go outside.

It might be a few days before I am.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

I Have No Idea




But a little jingle before I konk mom taught it to me when I was just a wee thing...

The first marine found the bean,
Parle vous
The second marine found the bean,
Parle vous
The third marine, he at the bean,
and he blew a hole in the submarine.
Inky-dinky parle vous.

Yes, it's been a long night.

On the news this morning...

"The U.S. market for gas is still the most competitive in the country."

Am I crazy, or does this statement not really make sense?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Big Breath!

I heard "Somewhere Out There" from American Tail tonight, by Linda Ronstadt, on the way home tonight. And boy, did I hold that last note! "...where dreams come truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue!"

1973 vs. 2006

A little extreme, but sadly becoming more true every day...

1973 versus 2006 (sent by Steve Hill)

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973 : Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006 : Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.
2006 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

I am in l-o-v-e with my Nick & Nora pajamas. I mean, like, so in love that I'd sleep with them (hee hee)

Friday, January 12, 2007


Happy Friday!

Happy I-don't-have-to-work-tomorrow-for-the-first-Saturday-in-a-long-time-and-get-to-sleep-in Day!

Woo Hoo!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Can anyone guess what I got for Christmas?

I'll give you a hint...

I'd like you to meet Maggie. Her full name is Blossom Magnolia Butterbean Sage, from Blossom Ragdolls. She can't come home until February, but we are anxiously waiting!

Monday, January 08, 2007

Oh Yeah, Uh Huh, That's Right

I'm so excited. I mean, chubby-hubby-with-fudge-sauce-and-whipped-cream-with-a-cherry-on-top kind of excited. You'll never guess in a million jillion katrillion years what I get to do tomorrow night. I'm...going to learn how to make glass beads. Like with the blow torch and everything (and yes, I said "like." I'm just happy, ok??)

I hope I make it out with both eyebrows intact...maybe I'll take some pictures, too!

Late Night, Early Morning

I remember back when I was in, what, 4th grade? One of the cool things to say (all thug-ishly, since I was so thug-ish) was, "Peace, in the Middle East." I had no clue what that meant back then.

Funny how things change.

Friday, January 05, 2007


Bronchitis S-T-I-N-K-S

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

A Few Things

I wore socks with my Birkenstocks tonight.

Oh, look, I also hugged a tree. And I didn't shave my armpits.


To whom it may concern,

Please turn off your Christmas lights. Christmas is SO over.



Monday, January 01, 2007

Unlucky #, Dude

I'm not looking forward to the new year, simply because of what I'm about to say...

I don't like 7. To be more specific, I don't like to write the number seven. I'm no good at it. I love to write 6. I've got no problem with 6. But 7...I tell you what. I'm going to have to study different fonts, find a way for the two of us to get along, or else we're going to have some problems over the next 364 days.