Friday, November 28, 2008

Dear God,

I hit a little birdie on my way to work this morning.

It made me very sad.

I'm glad he gets to fly with you in heaven.


Saturday, November 22, 2008

Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Allergy Season

I'm growing my bangs out. They are just long enough that when I snort they get stuck up my nose.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Almost...but not quite

Me: I wish I had perky boobs.

The Husband: You do have perky boobs!

Me: That's the biggest lie that's ever come out of your mouth.

The Husband: Well, you used to have perky boobs.

The Husband: Ouch!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Help me to remember…

When I'm having a really bad day,

and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,

that it takes 42 muscles to frown

and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Happy Ending

So there was this bird. Little birdie, to be more accurate. And it was in the bank today. I don't think it came by for a friendly visit, as it found its way into the lobby via a hole in the ceiling (thanks to the leak caused by heavy downpour.)

It made a rather startling appearance about 3:00 this afternoon, and then flew straight up to the skylight at the tip top point of the roof. Where all the windows are. And where it was flitting around, chirping out for his family. And couldn't get to them.

I almost started crying, hearing him calling out, "Mama! Daddy! Help me, I can't get to you, I can't find you!!!"

Seriously, I could have watched a grown man fall and break all his front teeth out and not have been as upset as I was listening to him.

So at about 4 pm, he decided to try and find a way out. By going in the complete opposite direction as needed, to the Human Resources department in the back of the bank.

After flying into the copy room window, and then into the window of the head of HR (scared the snot out of her,) he then proceeded to repeatedly flutter against the SA department's window.

I grabbed a bag and tried to corner him, but he got away. Thankfully, he flew toward freedom this time and headed to the entryway of the bank. A co-worker and I grabbed our keys and ran after the little one, closing the lobby doors behind us.

At this point, the birdie was so scared and exhausted, I was able to coax him into hopping in my bag. My CO opened the door so I could carry him outside.

He hopped to the edge of the bag and sat for a moment, as if not believing he could be free.

The little one then flew off very quickly, to find his family.

I can imagine that he will be extra tucked in underneath his mama's wing tonight.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Really? I Mean, REALLY?!

I had this 14 year old kid come to my door last night, wearing jean shorts, a Longhorn hoodie, and a raised snooty eyebrow.

I opened the door and he just held out his plastic bag, not saying anything.

Here is the conversation that followed:

Him: ...

Me: I don't know if I want to give you any candy - you're wearing a Longhorn sweatshirt!

Him: Yeah, so? (Such respect for his elders, I tell you what)

Me: You're in Red Raider country!

Him: Just pretend it's a costume if it'll make you give me candy.