Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Always Lock Your Medicine Cabinet

So I read this book the other day about a lady who faked her death to escape a sadistic abusive marriage.

Her husband had been married twice before, and each very rich wife had a "well planned" accident a year or two into the marriage.

So fake-dead chickie got a new name and moved to a new town. Before she met Jerk-Man, she had big degrees, was big smart and quite confident. Not so much now.

So in new town, she got a job as bookkeeper for The Family. You know, the one that runs the town, that "sticks together," where all the brothers marry perfectly in all the prequels and sequels, and the whole family gathers round to protect the new "weak one."

Well, Weak One goes to new job and meets new boss (aka part of The Family.) Weak One and New Boss fall in love, WO finally tells NB that Jerk-Man is still hunting her, NB teaches WO self defense. FBI and The Family work to protect not-so-much-longer-Weak One round-the-clock.

Thriller obviously wouldn't be thrilling if Jerk-Man didn't get past impenetrable line, so he and no-longer-Weak-One end up in her house. Alone. And Jerk-Man has oh-so-skillfully planned the perfect "accident." No one gets the best of Jerk-Man.

While waiting for JM to show his face in town, Weak One had problems sleeping, so her doctor had prescribed her Ambien. Not just any sleeping pill, but specifically Ambien.

So here's Jerk-Man's plan: He kidnapped no-longer Weak-One from the grocery store, takes her home (to where he has already snuck inside, opened a bottle of wine and drawn a bath.) He forces her to take three Ambien (of course she cheeks it) and down two glasses of wine immediately, then get in the bath. He then proceeds to tip another glass of vino down her throat.

With the Ambien slowly (and oh, so bitterly) dissolving in her mouth, she knows she has little time left to act, as she couldn't depend on the hints she gave to New Boss (aka Perfect Man aka Lover aka Love of Her Life) during the forced knife-to-the-throat "everything's great" phone call.

As no-longer-Weak-One drains the last of her wine, a sense of strength and will to live fills her and she swings out with her wine glass, knocking JM in the head, then stabbing him in the nose with the broken stem. As JM is screaming, she stumbles out of the tub and grabs the wine bottle, clubbing him on the head, once, twice, three times, until he finally slumps to the floor, unconscious.

Barely able to stand, terribly dizzy, she drags herself into the dining room to her purse and grips her cell phone to call Lover Boy. Barely able to speak, she mumbles, "Sleeping pills and lots of wine..." and then falls unconscious to the floor.

Blah blah blah, Lover Boy comes to the rescue, Jerk Man is arrested, charged with everything under the sun, and everyone else lives happily ever after.

Lover Boy was so glad to have given not-so-Weak-One back her inner-strength, and she saved herself, physically and emotionally. Knocked the ever-livin' snot out of Jerk-Man.

The only thing? I know how Ambien works. Your memory blacks out within 5 minutes of getting any in your system.

Too bad she didn't remember any of it. So much for female empowerment, huh?

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Do It.

This is the funniest website I've come across in a long time.

Check. It. Out.

Warning: Just...beware, okay?

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

All Hail The Big Lebowski?

I may be speaking blaspheme, but whenever I think about the movie The Big Lebowski, the only things that stand out to me are bowling, alcohol and man-boobs.

I just can't bow down to the man-boobs.

But hey, the dude abides.