Humor from RD...

By TSgt. John M. Milano

Upon completing Air Force technical school, I had to drive from the Gulf Coast to the Pacific Northwest for my next assignment. A friend suggested I hang my blue dress uniform in the left-rear window to generate good will from the highway patrol. When I was pulled over by a Wyoming state trooper, I was sure that I was off the hook because he told me that he, too, had been in the Air Force.

But he handed me a ticket anyway. It read: "Right-rear taillight burned out/License plate not properly illuminated" and, in the remarks section, "Lint on sleeve/Name tag uneven/Collar brass tarnished." He had once been a drill instructor.


And a side quote from Drew Barrymore...
ytolllllllllhgn
"I'd rather be a few pounds heavier and enjoy life than be worried all the time."

P.S. That first part wasn't Drew. Maggie just felt like she had something important to say. How rude, interrupting like that. I need to teach her that if she has something to say, she needs to wait her turn before walking over the keyboard.

Pick Me!

And the latest thing I've happened upon...it's the new rage.

La La Grr

Dear Mr. Songbird who sang outside my window at 5:30 this morning,

You do have a beautiful and cheerful voice, but could we at least wait until the sun is up to be so dang chipper?

Now I'm all about gun control, but the guy across the alley is not. So please be careful. Oh, and please tell your friend the dog that if he keeps barking at 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 am, we're going to have a serious issue on our hands.

Sincerely,

Your very-sleepy-and-not-so-much-the-morning-person-she-used-to-be neighbor

P.S. Do you take requests?

???

Britney shaved her head.

Radio Interview

Kim Mathers flipped the tables on Eminem and cleaned out her closet live on the air for all to hear.

"I can't stand him. He's an absolutely horrible person, and he gets worse every day," Mathers said. "I vomit in my mouth whenever I'm around him or I hear his name. There's nothing left in me for him. Nothing at all."

Oh, the drama.

Sick

I think I just threw up a little bit in the back of my mouth...

In a study commissioned by the Clorox Co., they found that the average office desktop has 400 times more bacteria than the average office toilet seat.

Wow, has it really been four days?

I plead insanity...

I've Been Preoccupied

Why?

Because IT'S MAGGIE DAY!!!

Woo hoo!!!

Real Celebrity Names

Kirstie Alley's real name is Gladys Leeman

Lauren Bacall's real name is Betty Joan Perske

Kim Cattrall's real name is Clare Woodgate

I tell you what, you dont' even want to know my real name.

Advice Needed

We've had a problem at work lately with customers not flushing the toilet. And it drives me batties. So I decided I would take artistic control put up a little reminder sign (mwwaahh haa haa!)

So here are a few little diddies I (and sister) have come up with. I need your help to either vote for your favorite, or, if you have any suggestions, to pass them along...

Here we go:

Flush the toilet when you’re done
Or we’ll shoot you with a gun
~
Even when you’re in a rush
Please do not forget to flush
~
If you do not flush the pisser
Then I’ll punch you in the kisser
~
We’ll make sure you cease to be
If you do not flush your pee
~
Be polite and flush the john
‘Cause when you don’t it’s just plain wrong
~
Don’t forget to flush the john
Or we’ll take away your bong
~
Flush the toilet, we propose
So you won’t offend our nose

Air Freshener, Anyone?

We had a big party last night at work, and I was the designated "Pick up the 10 dozen garlic breadsticks from Fazolis, which just happens to be one of my favorite breadstick places ever" girl.

I tell you what, the drive from there to work was torture, they smelled so good. But now I think my car will smell good this morning, this evening, tomorrow, Sunday...

Sometimes there can be too much of a good thing.

Calmness in Our Lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel.

My Little Sunshine, Maggie

Only 13 days left!!!

Awful

How's this for a country song line I heard last night:

"Don't make me let you go..."

Talk about a passive-aggressive song!

Funny

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary

Correction

I need to make a very important correction to an earlier post.

The secone marine cooked the bean, and the third marine ate the bean.

I tell you what, that migraine stuff's a doozy.

Burp

So I asked the husband the other night to pick up a box of cereal on his way home. He didn't just come home with some measly box of corn flakes. No, he brought home 25 oz. of Froot Loops.

Average box of cereal: 12-15 oz.

The box was bigger than my torso. I'm gonna be eating Froot Loops for a long time.

Is it Monday already?

I steered clear of technology this weekend, or, more specifically, the computer. So it's gonna be a cold one today! I don't think I'm ready to go outside.

It might be a few days before I am.

I Have No Idea

Migraine.

Medicine.

Bed.

But a little jingle before I konk out...my mom taught it to me when I was just a wee thing...

The first marine found the bean,
Parle vous
The second marine found the bean,
Parle vous
The third marine, he at the bean,
and he blew a hole in the submarine.
Inky-dinky parle vous.

Yes, it's been a long night.

On the news this morning...

"The U.S. market for gas is still the most competitive in the country."

Am I crazy, or does this statement not really make sense?