Warm

Dear little bathroom heater,

Thank you for making my mornings warmer, and a bit less traumatic getting out of the shower each morning. Your the best, little guy!

Love,

Melissa

Watchers Beware

Saw Feast of Love last night, with Morgan Freeman and Greg Kinear.

It was sad...tender...and pornographic. As in full frontal nudity.

To quote Sesame Street..."One of these things does not belong..."

And the winner is...

An e-mail trail between my dear mother (who was in Estes Park, Colorado last week) and me...

--------------
Mom: A tiny little chipmunky just climbed on my foot!

Me: What's a chipmunky? :)

Mom: A teeny extra-cute chipmunk.

Me: Give him some retro sunglasses and cool shoes, and he'll be a funky chipmunky!

Mom: And LOTS of peanuts, and he'll be a funky chunky chipmunky!

Me: Then we can give him a nean green mohawk, and he'll be a funky chunky punky chipmunky!

Mom: And he can work out and wear a speedo and be a funky chunky punky hunky chipmunky!
--------------

She won.

Gross

A quote from Discovery's TV show Dirty Jobs, on growing mushrooms:

"I'm sorry to tell you, folks...but these mushrooms don't grow in nice little blue containers. They're grown in compost - big steamy piles of poo, pee and lots of straw."

No wonder I don't like them. I always thought they tasted like, well, poo.


P.S. I'm famous! Check out September 19th - that was my lovely personal experience, one of many during my career as a waitress.

Click here to read my engaging post...


I'm so cool.

Blinkers

They're called blinkers, people. They don't put 'em there for decoration.

Anyhoo, Maggie says hi.

Wine-O

Last night at dinner, a friend and I went to a funky little restaurant/bar and sat on the balcony "overlooking a scenic lake." (As scenic as you can get for Lubbock, Texas...)

I wanted a glass of red wine, so I asked the waitress to tell the bartender that I wanted a glass of the driest red they had.

So what did I get? Port. Not only is it not a dry red, but one of the sweetest there is.

I went inside with my sweet red, and mentioned it to the 22 year old (I should have known) bartender. His response? "Uh, oh yeah, I, uh, guess I forgot."

So I went for Shiraz.

I mean it!

I WANT FALL!!! NOW!!!

I'M IN AN ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINT SORT OF MOOD!!!

DEAL!!!

I Wish I Were in CO

It's September, finally starting to feel like fall...mid 70s...open-window weather...

But a note to the person two doors down from me? (I can't believe I'm saying this, as I have true-blue Colorado blood running through my veins...)

It is too early for a wood-burning fire. Inside. When my air conditioner is still running.

But if you go live in Colorado, you can have a fire. Because it's colder up there.

(Two posts in two days? Who am I???)

Yo

So I'm here at my friend's house, and I looked at her desk and saw a box of flash cards. Whoopee, right? But then (this is the good part)...I saw they were anatomy flash cards! I could have fun with these.

I'm going almost black hair with pink highlights.

Maggie's big.

The husband's kickin' heinie at school.

It's been raining this week. We even had a bit of thunder.

Work rocks.

I watched a good friend get not one, but TWO, tattoos at once, and didn't pass out! (The girl next to her didn't do so well. And neither did her tattoo. Oops. They tell you not to move for a reason.)

I have lime green toenails, and love them.

(Isn't this a titillating post?)

Well, if I don't go wash my hair out in the next two minutes, I will have no hair.

I've realized that I have not been posting as often (well, not at all...) and really thought about it. I've decided that I was so unhappy throughout my whole blogging "history," and it really helped having an outlet. Not so much to vent, but to see that people actually read my blog, and said nice things to me (at that point, people weren't being very nice to me.) Even if I don't know your face, I knew that you visited me every day, and that, at least in a passing way, actually enjoyed what I had to say.

I now am around people that, well, smile when they see me, and, well, say hello. Simple, right? But it makes a HUGE difference, I tell you what.

But I miss you guys, and will be back real soon (yes, I know that wasn't proper grammar.)

Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite. And if you have bedbugs, you might need to get some help with that.

Housewife of the Year!

I did two things last night that I haven't done in months. I bought perishables. And I cooked. Dinner.

Go me!

Shhh

I've decided that what's going on inside my head is too loud to listen to the radio in the car. Too much noise, all mixed together.

P.S. I'm just going to pretend that I didn't go three weeks without posting. So there.

P.S.S. I'm just curious (to all my thousands of readers,) what country are you in?

Grits and Coffee

I somehow thought it would be a good idea to accept the invitation from a few co-workers to meet at the new Cracker Barrell at 6:30 this morning for breakfast.

Those better be some good grits, I tell you what.

("What is a grit?" Name that movie...anyone? Anyone?)

I couldn't help myself...

A Longhorn and an Aggie applied for the same job. They were neck and neck, with all the same qualifications. The hiring manager decided the only way to decide was to randomly point to a word in the dictionary, and whoever came up with the best scenario using the chosen word would get the job.

The manager opened the dictionary and pointed to the word "Timbuktu."

The Longhorn stood up, cleared his throat, and began. "I looked across the burning sands, and spied a camel caravan. Under azure skies of blue, destination: Timbuktu."

The manager was quiet for a moment and slowly wiped a tear from his eye, clearly moved.

The Aggie stood up and started his poem. "Tim and I did fishing went. We spied three maiden in a tent. They were three and we were two, so I bucked one and Timbuktu."

The Aggie won.

What the...

I just saw a commercial for a prescription medication for Restless Leg Syndrome. One of the side effects?

Call your doctor if you experience a strong urge to gamble.

No joke.

He's Messed Up, Man

Taking a nap while Stanley Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove, about nuclear war between the U.S. and Russia = really really REALLY messed up dreams.

To a T

My new motto:

"A clean house is the sign of a wasted life"

'Sup, yo?

My mom e-mailed me today, asking if I was dead, since I hadn't blogged in such a long time.

I saw a tag-on sponsor commercial while watching a show the other day, for Poise undies. It had an older woman frolicking on the seashore, walking in the waves.

Here's the problem.

Now, I have no problem with Poise, and am happy that they are there for those who need them. But you see, a dude did the voice-over.

And said "panties."

And then ended the commercial with the Poise slogan...

(in a deep, manly voice)

"Yes, I can!"

Furr...less

My rather long-haired kitty got her little tooshie shaved tonight, as she can be a little messy with her "personal matters."

I'm hoping she'll forgive me in, like, 5 months or so.

Traveling

9 hours to Houston. 9 hours back. Home safely. Yeah.

Sick

The current winner of the national hot dog eating contest ate fifty-nine-and-a-half hot dogs in twelve minutes.

I, well, I just, um, yeah.

Hihi

In my one wink of sleep during the night, I had a dream it was supposed to be a high of 47 degrees today...sigh.

A really cool band? My Morning Jacket. You should check them out. A bit Coldplay, U2, Sigur Ros, Radiohead...I love it!

I've been wondering this for years...how do you pronounce T.I.G.I.? Is it tee-gee? Or mabye tee-gee ("g" as in give?) Or could it be ti-gee? Or do you just say the actual letters? Anyone? Anyone? (Arnold...Arnold...)

25

I was stopped at a red light today when I started to look around me. I noticed I had a white SUV on either side, in front and behind me (a little creepy, if you ask me.)

So I began counting. And during the time I sat at the red light (it wasn't very long - I was second in line,) I saw 25 white SUVs. 25.

First of all, why white? Come on, show some flair. Second, no wonder the roads are so crowded with all those huge a** vehicles driving around. Third, those vehicles are why I have so many white paint dings on the sides of my car.

Heavy white SUV door + Lubbock winds = lots of white dings on Melissa's car.

Grrr.

What Were You Thinking?

I saw a barney-purple truck the other day with a sticker on the back windshield. It was heart-shaped and said "I Love Soccer Moms."

Didn't see who was driving. My imagination had quite the fun time!

Long time no speak!

Holi Canoli, it's been hot here lately! (And I would just like to say - for the record - that I am not a huge canoli fan. I just like the word canoli. Kinda just rolls off the tongue.)

The weather dude is actually saying that we're having a cooler-than-normal June. I say he's whack.

Well, had a good b-day, the husband had a good birthday (although he worked until 11 pm...) Good weekend, sweet kitty, really good job...and there's my life update in 24 words. I hope everyone out there has a really, really, really good start to your week.

Later gator.

June 20th...what a great day!

Happy birthday to me (in 53 minutes,)
happy birthday to me (in 53 minutes,)
happy birthday to meeeeeeee (in 52 minutes,)
happy birthday to me!

Umm..

A quote I heard this morning on TV...and no, I won't give you the context, because then it wouldn't be as funny. Well, maybe it would.

LCU: helping to make your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even better.

Yipee!

The most amazing thing has happened...we now have ANIMAL PLANET!!! Thank you, D*SH, for your not-so-good customer service and unreliable network, and thank you, Su**enlink, for offering Animal Planet as part of our affordable package!

Something cool I learned yesterday? 80% of all dogs in entertainment television and movies came from animal shelters. Ol' Yeller? He was about to be put down before he became a big star. That's just awesome.

Shake, Rattle and I can't hear the music...

Ok, I have an issue I'd like to voice...

When you have sub-woofers in your car/truck/suv/whatever, please be sure that your car/truck/suv/whatever is up to the task. When the frame of your car/truck/suv/whatever rattles like it's 1969, well, um, it just doesn't sound right.

You're supposed to be highlighting the kick a** bass and beat of your kick a** music and system, but I can't even begin to appreciate the wonders of the lyrics over the the pulsing of your over sized spoiler.

I'm sure some of you have a few words of dispute, so bring it on. I stand my ground.

P.S. For those of you who actually know how to marry a great solid car with a really cool system, kudos to you. At least I know that you really appreciate the music and sound versus just trying to sound like a BBA (Em, that was for you :)

WOOO - OO

After more than 3 and a half years of marriage, I've learned something new about the husband...

He loves (gasp) Michael Jackson.

When we get a new dog, the name will be, yes, Michael Jackson.

I think I just threw up!

Doobie

Here is what it says across the bottom of my Mountain Dew bottle:

Dew. Be. Dew. Be. Dew.

That's just awesome, man. I love Dew. He's my best friend! (We even have the same initials!!)

Belated Wedding Congrats

I have always been a devout Saved by the Bell fan, since it first came on TV. Zac and Kelly were my best friends! I have seen every episode at least three times, and I still watch the show every morning while eating breakfast.

But I realized this morning that I had missed the very last episode, where Zac and Kelly get married!!! How could I have missed that??

The wedding was beautiful...

They're so perfect for each other...

Sniff.

What?

I was all ready yesterday morning to come in and write some outstanding and enlightening story for you, but when I tried to pull up Blogger, the service was down.

Wouldn't you know it. So my amazing story went right out the window. Phooey.

So I'll just put down a few things.

Debra Messing's new show, The Starter Wife - really really cool! She's still as charming as ever, but was able to stay away from pulling on her Grace character - way to go, Debbie! (That just doesn't have the same ring to it as "Debra Messing"...)

Umm...I haven't managed to kill my newly planted flowers! I'll have to post a picture. MUCH prettier than last year!

What else...I'm drawing a blank. So have a good day, yo.

Wait, don't leave!

Please don't forget about me!!! I'm coming back very very soon!!!

Gotta Get My Zzzs

I sure did go to bed at 8:45 last night. Just because I wanted to. And it felt great.

Reading

I thought this was a really neat article...

Reading Goes to the Dogs
by Stephanie Gold

Garrett Finley, a second-grader in Pleasanton, California, never liked reading - till a specialist suggested he read to dogs. After three sessions with Sammy, a cavalier King Charles spaniel, Garrett had no further need of specialists. But he loved the experience so much, he still makes every session.

Dogs don't have a judgemental bone in their bodies. They just gaze adoringly as they're read to, a pretty effective technique for helping kids gain confidence and skill. The proof: For every year of reading to dogs, kids move ahead two years in school level. Says Paula Dalby, national team coordinator for Reading Education Assistant Dogs (R.E.A.D.), "The children are so excited to see them, and the dogs get petted and hugged, which is the stuff they live for. It's a pretty positive environment."

To find a R.E.A.D. program, call 801-272-3439.

Elevators Stink

Last week I made a comment that since we had speakers, why don't play music?

What do I get? Elevator music. No, worse. It's all instrumental versions of soft rock and pop. Backstreet Boys. Kelly Clarkson. Luther Vandros. BARF.

Now I am listening to "Killing Me Softly" on the saxophone.

I hate the saxophone.

This is killing ME.

Finale!!!

Andy and Tessa,
sittin' in a tree
k-i-s-s-i-n-g
first (a) comes reality tv,
first (b) comes love,
then comes honkin' diamond ring,
and then, well, who knows if these things ever work out...
even though I hope it will :)

Man, I sure did butcher that cute little poem!

Another?

We're jamming
I wanna jam it with you,
We're jamming, jamming
And I hope you like jamming too

~Bob Marley

I, um...uhh...well, I have nothing to say.

Lyrics

Song lyrics that, when taken out of context, are just really weird:

"When I'm a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy, baby you save me."

-Kenny Chesney

Shopping

I went to a store the other day (we'll call it Shower & Boody Works). As we all know, I dislike being pestered by sales people. Really dislike.

If I need something, I will ask.

No, I do not want to try the new lotion of the month. No, I do not like the new strawberry perfume. Really, thank you, but no. Seriously dude, stop asking or I'll pour it over your head.

Anyways, this was one of those visits. These two girls kept on and kept on pestering, and I kept on and kept on avoiding (I was there for a specific reason, otherwise, I would have been long gone) and dodging.

I happened to walk by this mannequin wearing a robe wrap, and flippantly touched the material as I walked past to see how it felt. Big mistake. Hawk Eyes saw this, and pounced.

H.E. - "Isn't that a wonderful robe?

Me - "Mmm hmm."

H.E. - "You know, if you spend $50 today, you can purchase this awesome robe for only $20!!!"

Me - "Oh. Neat."

H.E. - "It's totally an awesome deal!!!"

Me - "Well, thank you, but I don't really wear robes."

H.E. and sidekick - *gasp* "You don't WEAR robes??? Why not?!?" (I'm not making this up, guys, seriously.)

Me - "Well, I just prefer to go naked."

H.E. - "..."

Never heard another peep outta them. I just love shock value. Works like a charm.

Ick.

I dated a guy back in college who bought me a bottle of perfume. Having never been given perfume as a gift, I was quite excited, and enjoyed wearing it.

Until a few weeks later when he told me it was the perfume his mom wore.

What a good kitty :)

A few pictures of Maggie-poo and her new favorite toy. I certainly didn't give it to her. I wonder where she found it.

I mean, she's such an obedient kitty and never sneaks onto the kitchen counter when we're not home...

Cheers!

Something good: I went out to eat and ordered the $2.50 house margarita. 5 minutes later, out comes the honkinest hugest swirled margarita I've ever seen.

I asked, amazed, "That's only $2.50?!?"

Says the waiter, "Um, no. This is our top shelf, using top of the line alcohol."

Me, "Oh, but I ordered the house, and even pointed out which one on the menu I wanted."

Waiter, "Well, I'll make sure your waiter knows he ordered the wrong one. Enjoy!"

So I got a $7.00 "top of the line" sangria-swirled margarita for only $2.50.

I drank the whole thing, and my head doesn't even hurt this morning!

But don't worry, I wasn't driving.

Whoopee!

Bad Ideas

(As we all know) I've made some bad decisions, had some bad ideas in my day. I thought I'd share one with you this morning.

Back in high school, my favorite candle/lotion/etc. scent was cinnamon apple. Loved it. So one day I was visiting my friend at work (at a health/workout club.) It was after close, and we were just shooting the shoot.

It was then I noticed this: INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH AIR FRESHENER, Cinnamon Apple scent.

Lesson learned? Never, EVER, EVER use industrial strength (or any strength, for that matter) as perfume.

It does not work, it smells terrible, it does not come off.

I have never been able to enjoy cinnamon apples since.

Except the ones on the vegetable menu at Cracker Barrel. But that's a different story.

Parenting

The son of one of my friends got in trouble the other day for playing with matches. I told this to the husband, and his response was one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

When he was a little boy, his mother told his that if he played with matches, he'd wet the bed.

How awful (and hilarious) is that?!

Blog Bacteria

I have this theory (they don't come very often, so pay attention.) When you were in Science class, did you ever do the experiment where you teamed up with a partner, got a cotton swab, and choose any one place in school to swab? You then brought it back to class and grew bacteria in petri dishes.

Whoever had the most bacteria, obviously, had swabbed the nastiest place.

You want to know the scary thing? The phone in the attendence office had more bacteria than the boy's toilets.

Ok, but here's my theory, since no one chose to test it in my class. I never see it cleaned, and if you think about the whole "trip to the bathroom" process, you should be concerned...

If you're a good little handwasher, you would use the soap. And if you used the soap, you would pull the little handle to dispense said soap.

Theory: I think the most bacteria-infested place in the bathroom would be the back of the soap handle.

Gross.

Gross gross gross.

How Far Can She Go?

I would just like to list my accomplishments of the day so far...

Woke up at the same time as normal.
Made a dessert for work.
Made a second batch of dessert for work, seeing as I melted the spatula into the first batch.
Got ready for work (sometimes, this is a huge accomplishment.)
I'm headed out the door 5 minutes earlier than normal.

...and it's only 7:30 am!

More Things

Did you know that the USA Patriot Act is an acronym for:

Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act

--------------------------------------

My right thigh has been a bit sore for the past couple of days and I couldn't figure out why. But tonight I was driving along listening to Harry Connick (who's been in my CD player at full volume for the past 3 days) and pounding out the beat on my thigh. (I got the moves, oh yeah.)

Maybe next time I should just softly pat my leg when I'm listening to the blues.

--------------------------------------

You know you're married to a redneck when he uses the term "sumbitch" to describe the plumber that came by this past weekend to give an estimate.

--------------------------------------

I love my kitty.

Things

I sure do love me some hot water! (When you go without it for three days, you really learn to appreciate it!)


The funniest/cheesiest quote to date on The Bachelor, by Andy himself:

"Jealousy is such a rampant beast."

Wow. What a champ.

Why??

They changed the shape of the blue Fruit Loop. This is freakin' me out, man.

I Lost

I was so excited yesterday morning when my new phone as work rang for the very first time. I sat up straight, cleared my throat, picked up the handset. Here is the conversation that followed...

"AB* Bank, this is Melissa."

"Did I win?"

Umm...

"Pardon?"

"Am I the winner?"

"I'm sorry...?"

"Idn't this MIX 100 (hunerd)?" (notice the spelling - that was the accent.)

"I think you have the wrong number..."

"Uh, oh, sorry."

Click.


Sigh...

Say What?

My voice tapped me on the shoulder the other day and said, "I'm taking a vacation."

I opened my mouth to ask where he was going, but nothing came out.

Wherever he went, he must have been in a hurry.

What the...???

I was driving down the road yesterday when a hearse drove past, going the opposite direction. Not that uncommon. But what really threw me was the big D*sh Network logo plastered across the entire side of the car.

This could be perceived in a few different ways...

Watch D*sh Network and you will die.

D*sh Network is the grim reaper (minus the sickle, we hope...)

Discount funeral services (kind of like tattooing your forehead with an ad for $.) Nothing like exploiting the dead, huh?


Eeew. Dang, I just dropped a pickle in my shoe. Hold on. Man, it was the last one on my sandwich! And now my toe smells like pickles.

I digress...

So, I just thought it was kinda funny (and a bit thought-provoking, if you couldn't tell) to see the blatant, and quite odd, advertising vehicle yesterday.

Cheers.

Razzle Dazzled Cellophane

I woke up this morning with the cast of Chicago running through my head.

I razzle-dazzled my way through the shower, pop-six-cicero-ed through my breakfast, big-momma-ed my way through my make-up and reached for the gun on my way out the door (hee hee.)

What Were They Thinking?

Why are Grape Nuts called Grape Nuts if they don't consist of grapes or nuts. I just don't get it.

Definition

I had three people greet me when I walked in the door yesterday morning. They had no clue who I was. As the day progressed, I saw that they treated everyone like that. I like me a bank that knows my name when I walk in.

That is customer service.

Maggie-poo and Other Stuff

Here's a new picture of my little butterbean. She's the studious type.












Other news...um, new job. No more higher education. I'm moving to banking!

We watched the new James Bond movie this weekend - fantastic (and I don't even like the movies!) I think Daniel Craig's my new favorite JB - he's quite handsome.

A Little Bit of Both Kinds of Funny

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk .

" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..


The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.



Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !


They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen



P.S. Animal Planet went away :(

Stuff

Cool things I've gotten free lately:

Detergent
Rings
Biore face products
Zippo lighter
Dove lotion
Lunch box/cooler (soft, with a shoulder strap!)
Journal, with matching pen
Garnier Nutrisse face products
Prilosec
Personalized sticky notes and address labels

I LOVE GOODIES!

Bad + Bad = Bad

I have heard Ace of Base and New Kids on the Block, all within the past 24 hours.

I think my brain is going to explode.

Honk

I remember being so excited about my 6th birthday. I had asked for a Sesame Street Honker horn for my bike, and was quite the happy 6-year-old when I opened the package. It was green and blue, with pink horns. And when you squeezed the nose, it (obviously) honked!

We went on a birthday family bike ride that afternoon to the lake-park (I'm sure it had a real name, but that's how I remember it. Basically a park with a lake, and a trail you could ride around. Heaven for a young 'un like me!)

I was so proud of my new honker. It looked really cute on my blue-banana-seat bike handles. About 10 minutes into the ride, I was honk-honking along, and my tires went off the paved path just a bit. When I tried to get back on, my tire didn't agree, and I, well, crashed. Fell over. And broke my honker. To pieces.

Sniff.

It still hurts.

End of Our Weekend

Time sitting in plane on tarmac in Amarillo after being diverted due to weather: 1 1/2 hours
Amount spent on rental car after flight was cancelled: $80
Time spent waiting for luggage: 45 minutes
Time spent waiting in line to fill out lost luggage report: 30 minutes
Amount spent on dinner in Amarillo, seeing as it was 11:30 pm, and we hadn't eaten since lunch: $22, plus tip
Amount spent on refilling rental car before returning it: $12.78
Time spent waiting for luggage to be delivered to house the next day: 10 hours

Sleeping in my own bed, even if it wasn't until 4:00 am: priceless

Later, Gator

Out of town. Avoiding computer. Later.

Love,
Me

Unbelievable

I don't just have a Ragdoll, I have a Ragdoll Retriever.

I'm not kidding. Maggie will bring her toy to me, put it in my hand and then sit there looking at me, saying "Hello! I'm waiting, mom!" I'll throw the toy across the room, she'll run like crazy to get it, then bring it right back to me, put it in my hand and wait for me to toss it again. She'll do this until one or both of us gets tired (usually she outplays me. Hey, she's younger and has more stamina, what can I say...)

It's just crazy, man. And makes for quite a good 'ol time playin' fetch!

Crazy Jack-you-know-whats

Here's a fun little fact I heard on the news this morning...

"More people die annually by donkeys than do in airplane crashes."

I tell you, you gotta watch out for those donkeys. They're sneaky little suckers.

I Nearly Swooned (but I didn't)

When we bought our house, it came with dry erase board walls in our laundry room. Cool, huh? Well, just last week I took advantage of them and wrote mushy little love notes to the husband.

For instance:

"I love you, turkey!" (inside joke)

"Jonathan + Melissa = luv"

"Jonathan and Melissa, sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First came love, then came marriage, and heaven forbid that next comes baby in the baby carriage!"

Sweet, right? Well, a few evenings later, I see the husband in the laundry room, writing on the walls (and for a long time!) I smiled really big, wondering what lovey-dovey things he's dreamed up...So I walk in there, and, well, yeah. He sure had written down the chemical formula for energy.

I must have had a weird look on my face because he looked at me, looked at the wall, back at me, and quickly wrote down "I love you, too!"

What a romantic. Sheesh.

Favorite Things

I went by Starbucks this morning, and the manager was saying how her whole weekend was so exciting because her little baby learned how to turn over.

My first thought was, dang, I had a blast sitting on the couch watching tv at one in the morning, eating cookies and drinking beer.

I think she and I are at different points in our lives.

Friday!

Observation: Men with little heads do not need to drive big trucks. It makes them look littler.

And the trees are blooming!

What a Friday

Never, Ever, No Way

Walmart = Melissa will never, ever, no way have kids.

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

I found this online and thought that it was very interesting and wanted to share.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Humor from RD...

By TSgt. John M. Milano

Upon completing Air Force technical school, I had to drive from the Gulf Coast to the Pacific Northwest for my next assignment. A friend suggested I hang my blue dress uniform in the left-rear window to generate good will from the highway patrol. When I was pulled over by a Wyoming state trooper, I was sure that I was off the hook because he told me that he, too, had been in the Air Force.

But he handed me a ticket anyway. It read: "Right-rear taillight burned out/License plate not properly illuminated" and, in the remarks section, "Lint on sleeve/Name tag uneven/Collar brass tarnished." He had once been a drill instructor.


And a side quote from Drew Barrymore...
ytolllllllllhgn
"I'd rather be a few pounds heavier and enjoy life than be worried all the time."

P.S. That first part wasn't Drew. Maggie just felt like she had something important to say. How rude, interrupting like that. I need to teach her that if she has something to say, she needs to wait her turn before walking over the keyboard.

Pick Me!

And the latest thing I've happened upon...it's the new rage.

La La Grr

Dear Mr. Songbird who sang outside my window at 5:30 this morning,

You do have a beautiful and cheerful voice, but could we at least wait until the sun is up to be so dang chipper?

Now I'm all about gun control, but the guy across the alley is not. So please be careful. Oh, and please tell your friend the dog that if he keeps barking at 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 am, we're going to have a serious issue on our hands.

Sincerely,

Your very-sleepy-and-not-so-much-the-morning-person-she-used-to-be neighbor

P.S. Do you take requests?

???

Britney shaved her head.

Radio Interview

Kim Mathers flipped the tables on Eminem and cleaned out her closet live on the air for all to hear.

"I can't stand him. He's an absolutely horrible person, and he gets worse every day," Mathers said. "I vomit in my mouth whenever I'm around him or I hear his name. There's nothing left in me for him. Nothing at all."

Oh, the drama.

Sick

I think I just threw up a little bit in the back of my mouth...

In a study commissioned by the Clorox Co., they found that the average office desktop has 400 times more bacteria than the average office toilet seat.

Wow, has it really been four days?

I plead insanity...

I've Been Preoccupied

Why?

Because IT'S MAGGIE DAY!!!

Woo hoo!!!

Real Celebrity Names

Kirstie Alley's real name is Gladys Leeman

Lauren Bacall's real name is Betty Joan Perske

Kim Cattrall's real name is Clare Woodgate

I tell you what, you dont' even want to know my real name.

Advice Needed

We've had a problem at work lately with customers not flushing the toilet. And it drives me batties. So I decided I would take artistic control put up a little reminder sign (mwwaahh haa haa!)

So here are a few little diddies I (and sister) have come up with. I need your help to either vote for your favorite, or, if you have any suggestions, to pass them along...

Here we go:

Flush the toilet when you’re done
Or we’ll shoot you with a gun
~
Even when you’re in a rush
Please do not forget to flush
~
If you do not flush the pisser
Then I’ll punch you in the kisser
~
We’ll make sure you cease to be
If you do not flush your pee
~
Be polite and flush the john
‘Cause when you don’t it’s just plain wrong
~
Don’t forget to flush the john
Or we’ll take away your bong
~
Flush the toilet, we propose
So you won’t offend our nose

Air Freshener, Anyone?

We had a big party last night at work, and I was the designated "Pick up the 10 dozen garlic breadsticks from Fazolis, which just happens to be one of my favorite breadstick places ever" girl.

I tell you what, the drive from there to work was torture, they smelled so good. But now I think my car will smell good this morning, this evening, tomorrow, Sunday...

Sometimes there can be too much of a good thing.

Calmness in Our Lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel.

My Little Sunshine, Maggie

Only 13 days left!!!

Awful

How's this for a country song line I heard last night:

"Don't make me let you go..."

Talk about a passive-aggressive song!

Funny

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary

Correction

I need to make a very important correction to an earlier post.

The secone marine cooked the bean, and the third marine ate the bean.

I tell you what, that migraine stuff's a doozy.

Burp

So I asked the husband the other night to pick up a box of cereal on his way home. He didn't just come home with some measly box of corn flakes. No, he brought home 25 oz. of Froot Loops.

Average box of cereal: 12-15 oz.

The box was bigger than my torso. I'm gonna be eating Froot Loops for a long time.

Is it Monday already?

I steered clear of technology this weekend, or, more specifically, the computer. So it's gonna be a cold one today! I don't think I'm ready to go outside.

It might be a few days before I am.

I Have No Idea

Migraine.

Medicine.

Bed.

But a little jingle before I konk out...my mom taught it to me when I was just a wee thing...

The first marine found the bean,
Parle vous
The second marine found the bean,
Parle vous
The third marine, he at the bean,
and he blew a hole in the submarine.
Inky-dinky parle vous.

Yes, it's been a long night.

On the news this morning...

"The U.S. market for gas is still the most competitive in the country."

Am I crazy, or does this statement not really make sense?

Big Breath!

I heard "Somewhere Out There" from American Tail tonight, by Linda Ronstadt, on the way home tonight. And boy, did I hold that last note! "...where dreams come truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue!"

1973 vs. 2006

A little extreme, but sadly becoming more true every day...

1973 versus 2006 (sent by Steve Hill)

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973 : Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006 : Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.
2006 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

I am in l-o-v-e with my Nick & Nora pajamas. I mean, like, so in love that I'd sleep with them (hee hee)

Yeah!

Happy Friday!

Happy I-don't-have-to-work-tomorrow-for-the-first-Saturday-in-a-long-time-and-get-to-sleep-in Day!

Woo Hoo!

Can anyone guess what I got for Christmas?

I'll give you a hint...

I'd like you to meet Maggie. Her full name is Blossom Magnolia Butterbean Sage, from Blossom Ragdolls. She can't come home until February, but we are anxiously waiting!

Oh Yeah, Uh Huh, That's Right

I'm so excited. I mean, chubby-hubby-with-fudge-sauce-and-whipped-cream-with-a-cherry-on-top kind of excited. You'll never guess in a million jillion katrillion years what I get to do tomorrow night. I'm...going to learn how to make glass beads. Like with the blow torch and everything (and yes, I said "like." I'm just happy, ok??)

I hope I make it out with both eyebrows intact...maybe I'll take some pictures, too!

Late Night, Early Morning

I remember back when I was in, what, 4th grade? One of the cool things to say (all thug-ishly, since I was so thug-ish) was, "Peace, in the Middle East." I had no clue what that meant back then.

Funny how things change.

Fact

Bronchitis S-T-I-N-K-S

A Few Things

I wore socks with my Birkenstocks tonight.

Oh, look, I also hugged a tree. And I didn't shave my armpits.


P.S.

To whom it may concern,

Please turn off your Christmas lights. Christmas is SO over.

Sincerely,

Me

Unlucky #, Dude

I'm not looking forward to the new year, simply because of what I'm about to say...

I don't like 7. To be more specific, I don't like to write the number seven. I'm no good at it. I love to write 6. I've got no problem with 6. But 7...I tell you what. I'm going to have to study different fonts, find a way for the two of us to get along, or else we're going to have some problems over the next 364 days.